Februar Jokes Collection
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his
doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of
any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old
was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your
grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would
want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he wanted to get married?..."
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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too........................................"
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Lion hunting ...
One newspaperman was interviewing an old hunter who had made several
hunting expeditions in Africa.
- 'And did you live through any events where your life was at stake ?' he
asked the hunter.
- 'Oh! Yes!' I remember one time when my gun jammed just as I had cornered
a ferocious male lion'
- 'And, how did you manage to come out of that?' asked the newspaperman.
- 'Well, the trick in these situations is to let go your gun as to have the
maximum freedom of movement. You then let the beast come closer and closer
and suddenly, you throw a handful of shit in its eyes, and you start
running for cover as fast as you can.'
- 'But there is a problem' argues the scribbler. 'Where do you find the shit?'
- 'Dont' worry, sonny' replies the hunter. 'In these situations, your
trousers are usually full of it ...!'
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One day a driver picks up a stranger hitchhiking on the side of the road.
The stranger gets in and he realized that there is a monkey in the back seat
of the car. Twenty minutes go by and suddenly the driver reaches back
and slaps the monkey in the head real hard. The monkey then jumps in
the front seat and starts giving the driver a blow job.
Twenty minutes later the driver does this again, and the
monkey performs the same action.
After a few other times, the driver asks the stranger "Do you
want to try?"
The stranger replies, "OK but you don't have to slap me that hard!"
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When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was
very upset and insisted on going on honeymoon with the couple.
"Okay, okay," Casey shouted to the parrot. "You can come
along, but I don't want you looking. You gotta promise that you'll look
the other way when we're making love....and if you break your promise,
you'll get nothing to eat." Not wanting to be left at home, the
parrot readily agreed and kept his face turned toward the wall all night
as Casey and Darlene made love.
In the morning as he was packing their suitcase, Casey said to
Darlene, "I can't get it all in, darling. You'll have to sit on it.
No, that won't work either. I'll get on top and press down. No, I
still can't do it that way, but I have another idea. Why don't we both
get on top?"
And the parrot said, "Food or no food...this I gotta see."
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A Jewish man walks into a bar, sits down, and has a few drinks, then he sees
a Chinese man, walks up to him and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" The Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him
in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on
a bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they
enter the room she leaves her behind the operation room door to go in and
check whether everthing is ready.
A young man in a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts
examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white
coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When the
third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to
start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:
"I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
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These 2 music lovers a held hostage and both are going to be shot. One is
a country music lover and the other is a classical music lover. Before they
are shot they are asked for one last request.
So the Country lover says "I would like to listen to Achy Breaky heart 50
times over" and the classical lover says "shoot me first".
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The college football coach was in his office talking with his
basketball counterpart. The conversation finally turned to the
topic: Which is the more dumb - football players, or basketball
players?
The football coach said, "I can prove that football players are
more dumb than basketball players. Watch this..." He called
out to a football player who was loitering in the lobby, "Tommy,
come in here, please."
"Yeah, coach?" Said the fb player, entering the office.
"Here's 25c," Said the fb coach, "Run downtown and buy me a new
mercedes benz."
"Ok, coach," Tommy said. He took the 2-bits and left the office.
A few minutes later, he came back into the office and said, "Say
coach, i forgot to ask what color you wanted."
the fb coach said, "That's ok, tommy. Just forget it - i've changed
my mind." After tommy left, the fb coach said to the bb coach, "See
what i was talking about?"
the bb coach said, "That's nothing... Watch this." He called out to
one of the bb players who was parked in front of the tv in the lobby,
"Bill, could you come in here, please?"
"Yeah, coach?" Said the bb player, entering the office.
"Could you run down to my office for me, and see if i'm there?" The
bb coach said to his player.
"Sure, coach." Bill said, and turned to leave. He abruptly stopped
at the door, turned back around, and exclaimed, "Hey! There's a
phone right there on the desk. Can't you just call down there?"
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A punk, in full regalia (leather, chains, rings on every bodily protrusion,
multicolored spiked hair . . . the works), happened to note an old man
watching him intently from a park bench. The punk sauntered up to the oldster
and, with a sneer curling his purple-colored lips, demanded to know what the
old man was looking at.
"You," replied the senior citizen.
"Whatsamatter, don't you like what you see?" demanded the punk.
Never taking his gaze from the punk, the old man said: "About twenty years
ago I had intercourse with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my
son."
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One eveing when this husband comes home and walks into the bedroom, he sees
his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing? Where are you
going?" She replies.....
"I heard that in Las Vegas I can get paid $500 a pop...for what I have been
giving you for free all these years. I'm going to Las Vegas."
The husband stops in his tracks....mulls this over for a moment...and then
goes to the closet and gets his suitcase. He proceeds to begin packing.
Puzzled, his wife asks, "and what do you think you are doing?". And his
reply is....
"I'm going to Las Vegas too. I want to see you live on $1500 a year!"
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